aoi_to_midori

How often do I think about Ancient Rome? Not very.

I do think about Dark Ages Britain, though. I think about it a lot. Especially recently.

The story goes that in 410, the Emperor Honorius wrote to the British Romans, telling them to, "look to their own defense." An actual letter may never have existed, and a formal declaration may not have been said, but the fact remains that Rome could no longer provide defensive resources to a far flung island at the edge of the empire that necessitated an ocean crossing to reach. Troops were needed closer to home, and the Empire could no longer afford to defend all of its citizens or maintain their infrastructure for them. The Church remained, true. But even the Catholic Church couldn't field armies or build roads. (Not yet, anyway.) The people were, for all practical purposes, on their own.

This wasn't an abrupt change. Thousands of Romano-British citizens didn't wake up one day to someone knocking on their door, saying, "Look, we've got to go. The money's run out, you see. Shame we can't help with the upkeep, but you know how it is. Take care of things while we're gone, eh?" This was a slow process, an inexorable ebbing of a tide that was probably imperceptible until it wasn't. People being people, I imagine that there were a lot of conversation and debate about what was going on or even how it couldn't possibly be happening.

"Rome would never abandon us! Their power stretches from Hispania to Palmyra! Their wealth and power are unlimited!"

But there had to be others who saw the writing on the wall and knew that denial, appeals to precedent or paralyzing indecision would not stop the inevitable. We know this because The Dark Ages exist. We have archeological evidence that people continued to survive and maintained a certain degree of order, culture, and stability despite being abandoned by their former overlords. True, we don't know a ton about The Dark Ages, but we know that the island that is Britain didn't suddenly depopulate once Rome left. There was plenty of conflict as warlords fought over petty kingdoms, but at least some of the common people thought ahead, imagining the worst possible scenarios and working backwards from there to prepare themselves for as many scenarios as possible. They managed to function despite the fact that they were very much On Their Own™.

I've been thinking about that a lot. Being On Our Own™.

Whatever is coming, we know it's going to be bad. (This essay sums up my feelings on the matter, so I won't waste time rehashing things.) Granted, we have the benefit of knowing it's going to be bad — there will be no naive appeals to optimism and better angels this time around — but the scale of badness has yet to be determined. I'm neither a political theorist nor a particularly good prognosticator, but I do feel more secure when I look at a situation, carry it to it's most pessimistic extreme, and then assume that's the situation I'll be facing in the future. I started doing this when I was caught completely flat-footed by the Great Recession and watched a career I loved and the independence I craved disappear in a matter of 72 hours. (There are few things more humiliating than being forced to move back home to a family that says, "We told you so," at every available opportunity, but I digress.) The approach has served me well. After all, you can always pull back if things aren't as dire as you thought they'd be. But if you're not at least psychologically prepared for the worst to come to pass, well...

So, the Worst Case. The Worst Case will vary depending on where you live and what your circumstances are, but generally speaking, I'm guessing it would probably be a wholesale disinvestment in institutions that many of us take for granted. One of the rallying cries I've seen bandied about by the Very Online Left is that, "We keep us safe." In the interest of gaming out the Worst Case, I will take their slogan at face value. The Worst Case is existing in a sociopolitical structure that is actively hostile to life for all except an upper echelon of Keys To Power. This will be exacerbated by a segment of the populace that would gleefully hunt "inferiors" for sport if they could get away with it. We're already seeing whole scale hostility toward virtues like empathy, kindness and humility, driven by the dopamine rush of rapid fire social media and the pervasiveness of influencer grifters that push their followers to be crueler, pettier, more vapid, more obsessed with material possessions and subscriptions to services to Anxiety Engines and animated emojis.

We must keep us safe. Also healthy, educated, clothed, housed, sane, and happy.

I became something of a Sparkling Disaster sommelier back during the Great Recession, mostly because I had to be. My Worst Case Scenario then was the very real possibility that I would have to support aseanchai , if I was lucky enough to marry him at all due to the twin barriers of money and bureaucracy. There was talk at that time that this Great Recession would continue to metastasize into something far worse, and that we'd have to lean on the lessons of our elders to ride out an economy that would make the Great Depression look like a period of relative prosperity. People coped with it in different ways, though mine was to look at examples of self-sufficiency and drop-out culture to see what I could make of it. I bought books and magazines about off-grid living and homesteading. I taught myself to cook and preserve. I read the excellent Possum Living cover to cover multiple times, asking what lessons I could take from it immediately and which I could work toward long term. I spoke to people I trusted about the need to prepare for this future, this time when we would have to rely on ourselves rather than steady paychecks or pension plans. No one wanted to hear it, so I kept my newfound interests and theories to myself. Eventually the storm passed, but I emerged slightly more prepared for the next time we'd be left On Our Own™.

I'm not an expert in survivalism or backwoods living. I'm keenly aware that I am not as prepared as I'd like to be for the upcoming Worst Case Scenario, for the Sparkling Disaster that will likely come to pass. But I am slightly more prepared than I was the last time those in power apologized for the inconvenience and quietly left us to our own devices. It's a continuing ebb in my neck of the woods, this semi-rural Rust Belt enclave where I consider myself lucky that my Worst Case Scenarios come as the occasional rogue wave, rather than a multi-generational drowning flood. I have family and resources, but it pays to be ready. Life can change in an instant. I've seen that happen.

Whatever is coming is uniquely bad, and the only thing we will each be able to control is our reaction to it. We must ask ourselves what we're doing to stay as healthy as possible, how we plan to care for our families and communities, and what skills we're suited for that can become sources of income or barter if the bottom falls out of it all. We need to be prepared to take on roles in a game that we may not be keen to play, but that we must engage in regardless. We must be ready to stay alive and keep others alive, as well as cared for in all the ways that matter. We must be ready for Rome to retreat into dysfunction, and to keep flourishing if another Dark Age descends upon us. Most of all, we must be ready and willing to build something better, even if it can only be a better version of ourselves. That may mean finding common cause with people you disagree with, or with organizations that don't reflect your beliefs. As long as those organizations aren't in the business of actively harming the vulnerable, so be it. We can no longer be in the business of purity tests and hot takes and dunking and ideological righteousness. We must now be in the business of preserving life in all its forms, human and beyond.

We will very soon be On Our Own™. But we can be together in our abandonment. And we can build something better in its wake.

I used to do New Year's Resolutions, but I don't anymore. I've found that Yearly Themes work better for me. This year's theme is Taking Care - taking care of my friends and family, taking care of myself. I'll need to do so in the weeks, months, and years ahead. I spent 2016 to 2020 in a state of constant panic, then spent 2020 to 2024 trying to figure out how to crawl out of the cycle of panic attacks, exhaustion, overwork, burnout, rinse/repeat. While I have some ideas of what lies in store in the four years ahead, I have learned that I can't panic at every headline and try to put out every fire. I drove myself to some dark places last time around, and the physical toll was starting to wear on me toward the end. I need to figure out how to find balance. Most of all, I need to learn how to take care of myself. It's not a skill that comes easily, nor was it a skill taught to me when I was young.

I'm going to try to write here more often, though I'm not going to put pressure on myself to write long, pithy essays or witty aphorisms. I'm just going to get some thoughts down and (maybe) make some like-minded friends. Maybe some of them will even be local to me so we could potentially meet in person. What a concept!

Projects: I'm almost done with my third (or maybe fourth?) scarf for donation. I was originally going to give them to Canton Food Not Bombs, but I have no idea if I can get down to one of their drop-off points. I'm hoping that someone at Akron Food Not Bombs could get them down there for me. Of course, this will necessitate a meeting or driving to another drop-off point, since I don't yet have any direct contacts with them. Sometimes living semi-rural sucks.

Incidentally, Akron Food Not Bombs is holding a benefit concert on February 15. You may want to check it out if you're in the area.

Esotericism: I'm trying to learn tarot, partially as a psychological/philosophical exercise, and partially so I can get better at understanding symbolism and how it relates to me and my subconscious. I keep pulling The Emperor. I also keep pulling The Wolf from my Druid Animal Oracle cards. I cannot for the life of me figure out what it's supposed to mean. It could be coincidence, but it'd be an odd one with the amount of times it's happened.

Hopes: I'll be traveling a lot for work this year (same as last year), but I'm hoping aseanchai and I can get away and enjoy ourselves too. A trip to the mountains could be nice, though I'm not sure where we'll end up.

People are fleeing Big Social for places like Bluesky. I'm hoping more people come here. It'd be great to rebuild some of the community I had on LiveJournal back in the day. At the risk of sounding like a cantankerous old person, social blogging was way better than Facebook and Twitter ever were.

Frustrations: aseanchai and I have started working with a personal trainer. It includes a diet plan. We're only a week in, but my brain is already rebelling, getting resentful of the fact that in order for this to work, I'll have to give up a ton of stuff I enjoy, including a certain degree of spontaneity and more than a few comfort foods. I know I need to trust the process. It's just infuriating.

There's a trend on Bluesky of people replacing doomscrolling with crafting and other hobbies. I need to curb my own tendency to doomscroll, so hopefully you'll see more of me on here. It seems to help.

Current book: As You Wish: Inconceivable Tales from the Making of the Princess Bride

First, the 2024 Activism Report.

• aseanchai and I have written 20 voter registration postcards with Field Team 6 this week. That's 20 postcards so far this year.
• I've made four scarves to donate so far this year. Three are packed and ready to be sent to East Kentucky Mutual Aid. The fourth will be donated to either Re-Member or Knit the Rainbow.

( Of communities, goals and gym memberships )

I am involved in numerous TTRPGs, and all of them are on temporary hiatus because people are on vacation. How am I supposed to cope with this? 

The August Special Election in Ohio is bearing down on us, and for once I'm heartened by what I've seen. We're usually ignored by national voting organizations, but that hasn't been the case this time around. Field Team 6, Blue Wave Postcard Movement and Vote Forward have all run voter registration and GOTV campaigns in preparation for this moment. I have already done work for the first two; I plan to continue my work with BWPM for their Phase 2 program (GOTV postcards) and also do as many Vote Forward letters as possible. This election is vital - if Issue 1 passes, it will permanently eliminate our ability to amend the Ohio constitution with a simple majority. I'm not fond of minority rule, and neither is aseanchai . This will be his first election as an American citizen. He is very excited to make his voice heard.

I've been involved in "postal activism" since early 2017. Writing letters and postcards to voters is perfect for me - I can do it on my own schedule, and it's a great option if you're introverted like I am. I've found a bunch of opportunities via the Reddit community VoteDEM, which is a great place to learn more about candidates and volunteer opportunities. The general vibe of the place reminds me a bit of some of the old LiveJournal communities that were dedicated to political discourse. I had hoped to find similar communities here on Dreamwidth, but unfortunately the political communities I've come across here seem to have been abandoned. I don't really have the time to moderate a community on my own, though I wish I did. There are undoubtedly people on this site who know what's at stake. If even a handful of them got involved in volunteer efforts, it could make a huge difference.

In other news, aseanchai and I need a new couch. Our current one isn't doing us any favors. aseanchai is going to take a look at ways that we can save money toward that goal; while we're doing fine money-wise, we also don't want to dip into our savings if we can avoid it. I guess this means that I'll need to come up with more one page RPG ideas for our Itch page and learn how to use RPG Maker MV. It's easier to save if you have some extra cash coming in.

My neighborhood sounds like a war zone at the moment. aseanchai and I were talking tonight about donating to our local animal shelter for every booming blast, since more animals run away during the 4th of July holiday than any other time of the year. Well-meaning individuals have been trying to point this out on our community's Facebook page, only to get shouted down and harassed by every free-dum loving yee haw redneck that happens to see the post. The explosions started last weekend and probably won't stop for at least two more weeks. Our donation to the shelter will eventually reach infinity dollars.

I really shouldn't be upset about this, or at least not as upset as I am. Still, it's hard not to be. We live in an area with lots of wildlife, including sandhill cranes and bald eagles, not to mention plenty of pets. But it's the same every year, and not just for 4th of July. Living by a lake means we have a tourist season, though I've taken to calling it, "drinking season." People with summer homes descend on us starting on Memorial Day weekend and bring their loud vehicles, too-big boats and bad manners with them. In other words, we're invaded by people suffering from Main Character Syndrome. It can be exhausting. Literally, in the case of amateur pyrotechnics that last long into the night.

Maybe part of the reason why I'm so upset by this hyper-individualist assault is because I've been playing tons of TTRPGs recently with aseanchai , snakebitcat , and a bunch of other people I can't link to because they aren't on here. (Yet.) It sounds strange, but the collaborative environment of TTRPGs will start to shift your perspective over time. The best games don't feature on one person — everyone gets some "screen time," as it were, and the plot usually involves all of the party members working together to solve a complex problem. If you put yourself into that sort of environment on a regular basis, it can color your perception of how the world should be. We should work together. We should consider the needs of the group in addition to our own. We should look out for vulnerable people and seek to help them. (And in this case, "people," refers to all members of the ecosystem, including animals, plants, etc.) All of us should be trying to integrate that kind of everyday heroism into our lives, especially since it seems that most of the populace would rather gargle shattered glass. Someone has to turn this world of ours around. It may as well be us.

Maybe our upcoming game will give me even more inspiration. I can't wait to get started.

Four good things that have happened:

1) aseanchai and I have been writing GOTV postcards for years now. This year, we wanted to dedicate some time to Field Team 6's program that lets you register voters via postcard. To that end, we wrote 100 cards to register voters in Ohio, then switched over to another project. The idea was that we would switch things up to avoid boredom, then go back to helping out our home state. There were over 900 postcards left when we went on hiatus; when I looked yesterday, they were all gone. It's good to know that we're not the only ones out there doing the work!

2) Last week, a beloved local chef told the community that he had to shut down his family-owned restaurant due to a cancer diagnosis. His last day was supposed to be August 27, but he's recently shared an update! A local restaurant group is going to work with him to keep the restaurant open during his treatment, and he'll be able to rejoin the kitchen when his treatment and recovery are complete. aseanchai and I are very happy about this, because this chef was the same one who catered our wedding reception on fairly short notice. He's a good person who has had a rough few years (his restaurant opened in 2020), so it's nice to see him get a lucky break.

3) A friend introduced me to Galactic Journey; I joined their Discord server and got to watch some original Star Trek on Wednesday night. The people there are nice and some of them are writers, which is a good thing for aseanchai  and I (but mostly aseanchai ). Hopefully we can make new friends and even get some leads on publishing fiction.

4) I'm rediscovering the joy of finding journal icons. I've never been any good at making them, but fortunately Dreamwidth has a bevvy of icon communities. It's strange, though - back in my 20s I was a big fan of icons featuring pop culture characters and celebrities, but these days I have trouble finding icons that feel like "me," if that makes sense. In saying that, I did grab an icon featuring an annoyed-looking Thranduil from The Hobbit. It was too good to pass up.

I've been doing what I can to get the word out about the Trek Federation's donation and supply drive for Eastern Kentucky flood victims. I've only really been able to post on Twitter - I haven't heard back from the mods on the Star Trek subreddit, and I'm not an administrator on  the Federation's Facebook page yet. I worry that I'm not as good at promotion as the founder may have hoped. From what I can tell, no one new has donated to the GoFundMe, and no one has purchased anything from the wish list since last week. There's a part of me that knows it's not my fault; you can tell people that help is needed, but you can't compel them to participate. At the same time, I can't help but take it personally. Most of all, I worry about the people down there who need the rest of us to rally around them. Clean-up is going to take months, if not years. I worry that all it's taken is a few weeks for most people to forget all about them. We'll see what happens, I suppose.

I'm fairly active on Twitter these days, thanks to friends from my gaming group that frequent the site. A while back I created a thread in which I noted a certain degree of disdain for more recent sci-fi, specifically sci-fi films. It was inspired by a screenshot of an Ursula K. LeGuin interview that struck a chord with me; I used it to explain that the sci-fi genre seemed hellbent on advocating for dystopian futures, which would inevitably lead sci-fi fans to desire such futures (or at least allow for them) in the real world. I've copy/pasted it below the cut, for anyone who is interested in reading it.
( On distopian sci-fi, turning to fantasy and demanding better visions. )

Recently - very recently, in fact - I've realized that I may have to reassess my thoughts about the genre, or at least admit that I had a serious blind spot regarding a particular sci-fi franchise. But to get there, I'll have to start with something that happened almost a month ago - namely, the Cleveland Orchestra's performance of The Fellowship of the Ring: In Concert.

aseanchai and I had waited two years to see this show. The films originally came out in the early 2000s and were an integral part of my college experience. The music, of course, was incredible - I'm not ashamed to say that I had more than a few emotional moments as I listened to the orchestra and two(!) choirs bring the score of the film to life. When the concert ended, both aseanchai  and I were surprised to remember just how much we loved the film, along with the entire Lord of the Rings trilogy. But what really shocked me was how deeply the themes of the film resonated now that I was older. World events seemed dire when the films were originally released, but it sometimes feels that things are even worse in many ways now. (The concert took place right around the time it seemed that Joe Manchin would doom climate legislation; I was feeling particularly on edge about that.) On the way home, both of us decided that we would need to give the original trilogy a rewatch, if only to provide some distraction from all manner of bad news.

We did just that. I'd purchased the Extended Editions of Lord of the Rings years ago, but I'd never really had much of an opportunity to watch them. (I had moved home after college, and neither my family nor my old high school friends were at all interested in viewing them.) I was struck by how much of a balm the movies were, how so much of the overall story of the trilogy is about retaining hope, even in the most seemingly hopeless of circumstances. (It's no secret that Tolkien's Catholicism influenced his writing, but perhaps I needed time to grow and mature in order to really see it.) 

And there were other themes as well. At a time when I was despairing about whether or not my attempts at political and social activism were truly making any difference, it was nice to see films in which "small" people can have outsized influence, and where mutual aid is seen not just as an obligation but a literal lifeline in trying times. One scene in particular struck me - that of the warning beacons of Gondor carrying their wordless message across the countryside to Rohan, where Aragorn sees them and sprints into the throne room of Théodin. "The beacons are lit!" he shouts, running to the leader of Rohan. "Gondor calls for aid."

There is a pause, and then Théodin stands. "And Rohan will answer!" he proclaims.

That moment stuck with me. So often we see beacons these days - on Twitter, on Facebook, on Reddit, via so many other sites and means. So many calls are made every day, and we must make the decision to answer. I decided I wanted to, the next time a major disaster came up. Even if it only meant carrying messages along.

I wouldn't have long to wait. A few days after finishing up the trilogy, Eastern Kentucky would be disastrous and deadly flooding. I set about doing what I could to pass along messages about needs and aid, doing what small things I could for people.

And in doing so, I ended up encountering a group I'd never heard of that was practically in my backyard, and one I never would have expected working with.

They're called The Federation.

I didn't get started on this entry for @longwalks until far too late, so now I'm a bit too tired to write anything big. You can read the important stuff here. aseanchai  and I have walked about 55 miles between the two of us for our Lord of the Rings challenge, so that's pretty awesome. We are way ahead of schedule!

The weather was quite warm today, so we're finally in a place where we can heat and cool the house passively, for the most part. The heater is set to kick in if it gets below 65, but that hasn't been an issue as of late. It looks like it won't be an issue for the rest of the week.

Our first farm share pickup is this weekend, so we are excited. Hopefully there are no beets, but the farm share is supposed to include recipe cards each week. Maybe I'll learn to like beets after all.

There will hopefully be more tomorrow. For now, I need to get some water and then get ready for bed.

aseanchai is often fond of telling me that when it comes to activism, "the work never ends." I suppose that's true - I know it is, in fact - but it can be thoroughly exhausting. That's been borne out this week with the news about Roe v. Wade.

I've spent countless hours since 2017 writing letters and postcards urging people to get out and vote. I'm proud of that work, and I have no doubt that it's encouraged people to participate in elections. But sometimes I find myself despairing and worrying that no matter what I do, it will never be enough to truly make a difference. It's not just GOTV efforts, either. For example, aseanchai  and I are trying to raise money for charity by doing a Lord of the Rings walking challenge. (You can learn more about that over at longwalks , though I'll mention the project from time to time here.) I had high hopes for what we're trying to accomplish. Ideally, we'd raise $1,000 for nine charities each. In other words, we'd raise $9,000 for charities that are helping both people and planet.

But I worry now that this attempt isn't what's needed now. Will people donate to a food bank when so much is on the line? Will people want to read about us walking in nature when so much work needs to be done? In some ways, both our walk and our journaling about it seems self-indulgent right now. Shouldn't we be angry, shouting, fighting? There is part of me that feels like we should be, but I am so, so tired. I had hoped to take some time away while still doing good, but I don't know if that is an option now, if it ever truly was.

Times like these make me question many things I hold dear - things like art, like stories, like enchantment (and re-enchantment) and all of the soft and subtle things that seem to be a part of my natural nature. The world often seems like it wants to be hard and harsh and breed hard people. It feels like those people only want art that protests or rages, and that it only wants stories that can be used as rallying cries. Enchantment is seen as foolishness, childishness. People don't have time for such things when the work never ends. I'm not sure where that leaves me, and I'm not sure if that makes me soft, a coward or both.

I'll need to figure all of this out, and quickly. But for now, I have to keep walking.

It's been a long, long time.

i found my old LiveJournal; it's been over a decade since I wrote in the thing. I'm debating whether to port over everything - old entries, old icons, old interests - but I'm of two minds about doing that. It's strange to read those entries now, because so much has changed. I was a different person then, and LiveJournal was a different place. Some of that has to do with the evolution of the web (isn't LJ owned by Russia now?) and some of that just has to do with time. I originally left that site because most of my other friends had. We were all distracted, I suppose, by the shiny new social media that had just come online back then. Facebook, Twitter, all that "fun" stuff that became not so fun over time. It was Twitter that actually prompted me to find this place. I saw a Dreamwidth post by chance and decided to check the place out. I don't know for sure, but it seems like it's fairly active. That gives me a bit of hope.

Of course, things won't necessarily be the same. I joined LiveJournal in college and was invited by friends. It's how we kept in touch both during and after class, but those same friends who used to wow and delight me are no longer there. And as far as I know, they're no longer here. That makes me sad, but it also offers a challenge. How do I find friends on here? It's an old skill I used to have. Oddly, I managed to find a lot of my old LiveJournal friends on Facebook. Maybe I can convince them to come back? I do have one friend here, though I don't know how often snakebitcat posts now, if at all. This could end up being a fairly lonely enterprise.

As I've been writing this, I may have convinced myself to import my old LiveJournal stuff, if for nothing else other than the memories. (Of course, that depends on whether or not I can figure out how.) A lot got chronicled there, and I'd like to hold onto at least some of those memories. Who knows - maybe I can even get my husband to make a blog here. I know I've done so before.

The only other decision at this point is whether to make a new account for the fundraising effort my husband and I hope to start in a day or two. It's a walking challenge based on Lord of the Rings, and having an old blog that looks like it's circa 2001 could be a great way to chronicle the whole journey. Maybe it's something I do tomorrow. Or tonight. There's no time like the present, after all.

EDIT: Looks like the import went through ok! Now I just need to delete all the inconsequential entries (as well as the plain embarrassing ones).